Another night, another dream with HIDE, another time I wake up in tears, because of him...sometimes I wish the dreams will not be so full of emotions, so painful, so bitter...from all those who meet him, who loved him...from all those who'd kill to see him once more...why does he come to me ? ...a stranger from across the world...
He came to me smiling, wearing a dark tracking suit and sport shoes, I never imagined him wearing dark clothes, he is always dressing so colorful alive. HIDE was excited, wanted to call on everyone for a show.
Keept talking about how he has a new concept and a new song and how he will surprise everyone and that I must get ready cause there is no time to lose...next minute he drags me out of house and before we reach the end of the street we're already in Shybuya ? TF???
I live in UK but in dreams scenarios alternate from a place to another in seconds...anyway we walk in Shibuya and he insist to get me a red guitar from an instrument shop. I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO PLAY GUITAR, never tried playing like...
EVER! somehow he is convinced that I CAN...don't know why he thinks that so strong tough,but you can't win if you argue with HIDE...
anyway he tried it on, but the guitar didn't sounded as he wanted so he crack the guitar open...I was like...why you smash it ?
and he said...I'll make it better.
It turns out he was correcting something inside on the sound system than he link it on an amplifier and here we go , next thing he puts it in my arms and push me in the middle of the street...
he starts performing on his Fernandez...people were walking trough, he didn't seem to care...there are some people wearing LEMONed clothes, he is excited as they came by, he smiles big, ready to talk...
they right pass him without even looking. HIDE is bit low but he goes on playing. Few cosplayers wearing his stage clothes come from different parts of Yoyogi Park, his smile returned to his face, I can see the thrill, as one of the cosplayers arrives nearby, HIDE tries to strike conversation first by complementing the guy wearing a red-black shinny leather suit just like HIDE's stage suit...
the guy looks in a very superior way, HIDE stay humble and so damn polite...is so annoying ...I want to talk but he wouldn't let me.I try hard but I'm voiceless is as if he "muted", I try to make aware that guy he stands in front of HIDE but somehow the people around they don't recognize him.
Is true he doesn't wear make up and his hair is bit messy and that stripes hat he wears gives his a punk-ish look...but...HIDE is still HIDE even warped in paper bag...
I feel disappointment, but I understood that I am there only to observe as he wants to show me something...
There's a young man dressed office code , he walk next to us and passes to HIDE the cup of coffee in his hand as if wanted to dispose of empty cup...
HIDE looks at the cup raising one eyebrow ,he start playing like hell regardless of people ignoring him...other youngsters pass up and down, no one stop to listen but HIDE goes on playing...while people pass, once in a while they drop a coin in the coffee paper glass...
I feel embarrass and annoyed about that,I find it so inappropriate...he is not a street performer,he is the NHK Hall, I's sad as they can "see" but they don't "recognize" him at all...HIDE smiles mocking me, he said...great we can almost buy a...doughnut...picking up the cup.
There's an older lady, she stop and she stares at him, here eyes are in tears...she recognize him, as she comes closer the age of her face is wiped off she gets younger and younger, is a lady who had something to do with HIDE's stage apparition like dressing and make-up stuff...
it was not the lady, from Junk Story I think so, it looked like her but this one was older somehow,beautiful,strong brown chestnut, shiny long hair, brown eyes with very kind expression, big round beautiful eyes, light skin...beautiful smile...I felt as if I knew her since before...or maybe HIDE's memories mixed with my own feelings.
I felt good inside, peaceful, the lady touched his cheeks with top of fingers than she messed up his forehead hair in a familiar way. He held her hand for a while and he was all shining with blue snow ice like
light from inside out. He watched her in the crowd as she left until she vanished beyond the bridge (We were nearby train station, across the street from Takeshita str ) .
He toss the coffee cup in the bin and
takes the money, walks on street between cars, he drags me after him...holds my hand tight, I let him drag me as I always feel safe walking with him...after all, he did brought me back when I drowned that night sometime ago.
We cross over and walk on Takeshita,
HIDE wears dark track suit as for jogging
looks casual, no make up, wears sport shoes
we go up to LEMONed...he looks around searching for something he can't find
there is a boy selling at the shop
he keep asking HIDE what he's like to buy but he doesn't recognize him either
HIDE said he wants "something HIDE would wear"
and they show him something grey and too common to be even considered they try to convince him that HIDE himself would wear that ...HIDE smile polite but I can see deception...drags me up, we go HEADWAX Office upstairs
Hiroshi is there, looks outside the window, is sad
I want to enter but HIDE stop me, is 2nd time when he takes me to LEMONed and HEADWAX Office
last time we went he took the pictures of him from the office and smashed them over...it was same..no one recognized him and he was angry
I feared of what he might do,
we followed Hiroshi which he went out in the street, down to Yellow house, he looked at the pictures from the fitting room around the mirror...he was sad
than he bought some food and he went in the park
he seat on the bench and ate alone
HIDE was sad too
there were some cosplayers near by and Hiroshi hurried to walk away...he was affraid they might recognize him...he hates cosplayers (at list in my dream I felt he dislike them for supericialy "clone-ing" HIDE )
everyone wants to dress like HIDE but no one IS in fact LIKE HIDE and he hates them for that
HIDE is HIS!
his brother they only mimic him...everyone of them cries out all over, that they've lost their idol but him...Hiroshi lost his brother...and no one...in 20 years took time to think or ask him...how it feels that loss...(I felt sad too "reading" this among Hiroshi's toughs...again, the reality might be opposite...however...the guy could be perfectly OK, but the dream is just a dream in fact )
anyway...HIDE went by and pad Hiroshi's shoulder...and he look back, Hiroshi wasn't surprised to see HIDE, he was the only one who recognized him except the lady before,
HIDE look at the stuff Hiroshi was eating curled his mouth in a half smile rising an eyebrow, and Hiroshi just pushed the food tray nearer...they shared the food in silence. (one more reason, I felt I shouldn't be there ) This didn't made any of them happier tough... I felt that no matter what HIDE will always protect Hiroshi, and that the longing feeling is mutual...it is funny...I myself never thought about Hiroshi either in all this years.
I cried for many nights after losing HIDE, blaming him for every failure of mine, I thought I know him, but until he cameback to me, untill I was allowed to peack in his soul...I didn't knew HIDE at all, it hurts so much knowing that now...that he, the one I most admire was a stranger to me, because although knew who is HIDE, I never recognized him...Hiroshi did/does it still . It must be so hard for him seeing us competing so stupid in who knows more, who is biggest fan...who...how silly we are!...
anyways HIDE has big expectations from his brother and there he start bossing him around...priceless moment, that instant I wouldn't like having a boss like him...than he started with some list of changes in LEMONed, kept bubbling he wants to go international, site renewal, bilingual options for FC membership open for foreigners too and bunch of other stuff...
and there gives Hiroshi a list...poor guy how I piety him...I kind of agree with the FC membership, currently you can only be a JETS only if you have a Japanese credit/debit card/address which is silly cause HIDE has fans all over the world not only in Japan. I personally know someone who made account at JETS using HIDE's parents address in Yokosuka...
others even used the store address from Tokyo...damn it was so simple if everyone could subscribe for a monthly fee regardless the country. I'd be first one to make such an account I swear on HIDE's memory which is most precious thing to me. Many say "I hate Hiroshi he tries to rip fans off with prices on HIDE's brand products" ...
I admit prices are bit too high at LEMONed for a teenager who comes to visit on parents expense...even I was in difficulty when I went cause of debit card problems, couldn't extract more than 10 000 jpy a day, and that wasn't enough to get what I wanted to get from LEMONed...but with all this I could never say "I hate Hiroshi" , by saying that is as if you slap HIDE's face...anyways, this dream although slightly changed repeats from once in a while again and again I don't know why,but is now been several times in the past year when I see this dream again.
I browsed the LEMONed site trying to get again something that HIDE wear in his videos LOL, I'm addicted on his wardrobe...I found nothing...not stuff but not the ones he wear...than I went on YJ...you know what will be really cool ? that Hiroshi will actually announce that LEMONed will retrive from old fans the products related of HIDE's brands they want to pass on to the younger fans and instead of the going to display on YJ, LEMONed will build its own auctions site, and people from all over the world can go get auction old stuff HIDE brand from HIDE's online shop directly that would be so awesome,
during years I collected superbe, valuable items from YJ, some which I never got chance to obtain elsewhere, I will feel much happier to buy "HIDE" directly from HIDE without intermediary persons or corporations, this will bring fans together more often, regardless of age. Maybe Hiroshi doesn't realize but he is very precious to us, as he alone is what we have left from HIDE, his parents are old and no matter how much they will welcome and love us they can't help any longer, but Hiroshi can, he is the only one who can open the door toward HIDE .
Perhaps I don't love Hiroshi like a brother as I love HIDE, but time will fill the gap of knowledge about each other, in the meanwhile we must help LEMONed...is not Hiroshi's, is HIDE's store...altough his spirit seem to be deserting that place for a while. I hope that LEMONed will never close down, cause then HIDE will fade away too...I hope that soon instead of brawsing YJ for HIDE old stuff I will "rescue" them from LEMONed auction site...
I hope we can get JETS FC membership pass using an European, US, Australian,African...whatever location and world wide debit card, I hope that much more others will be aware of whom HIDE is what he create/when/how, I hope HIDE's brother and HIDE's fans could be more closer of each other...I we can work this out together...for HIDE, he expects and deserve this from us...could we at list try, for his sake ?
I don't know what this dream trully means, or why is it repeating once in few months slightly changed...as I don't know the reason why I see other dreams with hi either...usual you should forget dreams in short time after awakening, but I can remember them in detail long after...so intense they are...or maybe I am just crazy...I have lost my mind...perhaps...on his Birthday I dream he was outside in his parents garden seated on a white chair...keep banging the chair's leg with a drum stick and yelling amused for his Mom to bring his lemonade...LOL ,
I bought that cat from SENZO JII Temple of Asakussa , I went to the shrine to "bless" that picture of HIDE I use for lighting incense to, so when I saw the cat I was like...OMG...LOOK, that's HIDE ! LOL
he guarded a big tray with cake pieces said his Mom made it for him but Monica can't have any... (Monica is the friend who went to visit his parents, I dream that right before she'd go there ) . It was funny the way he look at those cakes, just like you're 5 years old and you Mom makes you sweets but say can't eat them till after few courses of "real food"...like "normal people should"...than in Christmas Eve,
I dream we did the tree together and he replaced one by one all decorations with...eyes...than he took a candy box and share the candies between him and his brother...than regardless of that HE ATE ALL OF THEM EXCEPT ONE...he said that is Hiroshi's...stared at it for a while, walked up and down for some time peaking at the candy, than fetch it and eat it. In the end was smirking folding back the empty candy cover...he said that is Hiroshi's...
I went at the ciocolatier's shop and found some chocolate eye balls, similar with the eyes HIDE put in the tree in my dream
I found it bit mean coming from HIDE...but I wake up smiling...as from countless other dreams. Sometimes I see nightmares tough, about someone, a man stalking him from an interior parking till his apartment, sneaking behind him...than a repetitive one about a room with dimmed red light...I asked my doctor, he said I'm probably having too wild imagination...I guess he's right...that must be it!
if you read this...I don't know why I wrote this post...I am still shocked about the dream, I wish I'd knew what it means...
